Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Some Days Just Don't Turn Out As Planned

Today's post was suppose to be Teal Tuesday using stars but I didn't couldn't get around to it this week. I don't often write about personal things on my blog but I thought I should this time as it might effect somethings down the road.

Today (I am writing this Monday night), hasn't been a good day. I have been in bed all day with a anxiety/panic attack. Mine are not the usual ones where I have a thought that has taken over and stops me from doing anything. Mine are more of a feeling that boils inside until it erupts and renders me useless. I have no thoughts during them, no sense of pending doom. I am just unable to function and my brain is like the static on the tv.

I hate these attacks. Most times I can pinpoint (after the fact) why they occurred, school stress, loud noises, and sometimes even crowded places (but not always). But this is the first time I have woken up in a full fledged attack. I hate it.

So no, I didn't do my nails today. Heck, I didn't even shower today! My swatchsicles are staring at me from across the room and I won't get to them today either. And I feel guilty. And I hate that too.

These anxiety/panic attacks on this level are new to me within the past 7 months (in which they have almost been constant). See, I have depression. I've had it since I was about 16 (I'm now 31). I've accepted my depression, don't love it, but if this is my trial in life then I am content with it as long as I don't get anything else!

About ten years ago I was diagnosed with Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). I always thought calling it SAD was kind of funny. But this is a form of severe depression where there is a mood change that occurs during the change of seasons. Mine is winter, less sun (hence the move to Arizona). When October comes around I feel my depression worsen and I can usually fight it from getting too bad. But not this past October. This past October I experienced one of my worst episodes that I have had in over ten years. I was bed ridden for days, forcing myself to go to work. It has been the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

Fast forward to now. I am still in what I like to call my funk, anxiety/panic attacks and all. Usually this would be gone by now. But the hold that this funk has over me has left me unable to get out. I am still down in my deep dark well with the only light shinning above me way out of reach.

I do know that even though some days (like now) are the darkest; there is always a light, that there is always hope, that I will reach the top of my well and get out. I need to remember the good days, because those always outweigh the bad. I know I will always have depression as it is a chemical imbalance that I have. And I know that I will always be on medication, which I am fine with as it keeps me with my loved ones. My depression makes me who I am. And I believe I am stronger because of it.

This post went into further detail than I had planned. But what I have come to find out in the polish world is that I am not alone in this. There are many other wonderful ladies who suffer this silent pain as I do. Polish brings the color back into our world if only for a day or two. It is nice to know that I am not alone even when I feel that I am, utterly alone.

So I have decided that there may be some times that I don't post everyday, because sometimes trying to keep up has brought on these attacks and I can't do that anymore. So I may miss a few days here and there because I need me time and I don't want to feel guilty about it. But I will always try my best to post.

I am also thinking of adding different types of posts and not just manis. I have other collections that I would love to show you ladies (that would give you more insight into me), like my massive amounts of necklaces or journals or books (big reader here) or quotes. I'm just not sure that these would be things that interest you, the reader.

So if any of those would be interested in those other types of posts, let me know and I could start that up too. And thank you for those who stayed through this rather lengthy post, probably my longest post yet! :)

If you would like to read an very interesting blog post that explains a lot of what I am feeling please read: The Crumpet Depression - Me and My Shadow. For those who don't suffer from depression, this gives you some insight on what those who suffer from it feel like.


  1. I think it's great that you have spoken out about this and it makes it so much easier to understand why you may not post as often in the future! personally I would love (I mean LOVE) to see what kinds of books you read. Reading is one of my favourite things to do :)
    Join twitter (if you are not already on it) and tweet too :P It could also help when you are feeling down or just want to connect with your followers in a casual way.

  2. You definately need to take some ME TIME, blogging should never become your life, blogging is ABOUT your life. I had to take some me time over the weekend so don't feel guilty about not posting. Hope you feel better and although I do not know what you're going through, I am here if you need anyone to talk to.


  3. I'm sorry and hope you begin to feel better soon. But here's my two cents: I have seen other bloggers open up about battling their demons. And they almost always apologize to their readers. Here's how I see it...this is YOUR blog. It is supposed to bring you joy. Therefore, make it exactly what you want it to be. Don't let a fear of disappointing anyone else be a cause for undue stress. You are talented and wonderful, and I'm willing to bet your readers (including this one) will continue to follow along and support you with joy! <3

  4. Thanks for sharing this with us, Kirsten. You should definitely not feel pressured to post on a daily basis :) I think your other collections would be really interesting. I love journals and books, too! I'll be praying for you <3

  5. Thank you for sharing this with us. I know how it is to deal with this stuff and it really is hard sometimes. My blog helps keep me grounded somewhat, but when the depression gets worse it really is hard to do even the things you love the most.

    I would love to see all kinds of posts from you. Can't wait to see what all you have for us.

  6. sending you lots and lots and lots of love and hugs and duvets and pillows and endless time with permission to do NOTHING. Rest, and especially rest your mind. Love you xxx

  7. WOW... i just got to know you even more through this than at work:). Well im always here for you girly even when i leave for ASU. This just means i need to wear cooler designs at work for you to see:).

  8. Wow, you are so brave. I agree with the comments before mine. This is YOUR blog, do what you want, what makes you happy. I think what I really like is when people are real, you moved me, made me cry really. If you write from your heart, weather it be happy or sad or what ever, people feel it. My wish for you is that you are able to get to a place where you can deal with what is happening to you. Depression is hard. Just know you are not alone, ever.

  9. i'm so sorry to hear this Kirsten. Thanks for sharing, sometimes sufferers feel so alone but it's always good to know that there are others out there who go through the same thing and I really think your blog will help(: I believe it'll be a good outlet for you too. Rest well and know that you don't have to feel guilty about something you can't control(: xx


Thank you for taking the time to read and comment on my blog! I love getting comments! Though I may not be able to respond to each one right away, I do read and appreciate each and every one, they are actually a highlight of my day! If you have any questions, I'll try my best to respond quickly! If you would like for me to check out your blog, email me your link: geekyowl (at) gmail (dot) com.