A Sunday Ramble

The past four years have had the fabulous moments (helping in starting The Digit-al Dozen, meeting a bunch of fabulous bloggers, finding an "in") and some not so great moments (computers crash, hang nails, depression, anxiety, no longer part of The Digit-al Dozen). I chose to step down from the Digit-al Dozen as I haven't been very active on my blog. It was really heart-wrenching and the DD ladies have become some of my closest friends (only having met one in real life). But life and my depression/anxiety got in the way. 

So why no nails?

I would get physically ill when I sat down to do my nails. The anxiety was so bad that I just couldn't do it. If I did manage then I wasn't satisfied because my manis didn't look like the other DD ladies. My manis never really blossomed or got better over time. I just wasn't that good and having that pressure would stir up the anxiety even more. I always want my nails to look like so-and-so and have the painting and artistic ability as what's-her-name. I'm not satisfied with my own talents and abilities (and not only with nail art) and so therefore feel the need to step back (but say that to my stamping plate group buys. What is wrong with me!? Hahahahaha!). 

For some reason, this past year has been really rough on me. I am not at all where I ever thought I would be in my life. Ever. I thought I would be married with kids by now (I'm turning 35 in less than a month). I am almost sure that I will never marry; I don't allow myself to be in situations that create an opportunity. And it I did find someone? I don't think I could put them through what I have to go through. I would be too draining, too much for them. How could I bring anyone into what I go through? How does anyone that have mental health issues bring up the issue while dating. I would see it as almost a red flag for most people. 

Oh, but to have that someone who would be there and just tell you that you are not alone. That you can make it through it again. To be aware that you actually exist and that they actually care for you. That they are aware of you and that there really is something wrong when you say that you're "fine". That is my dream. Anyone else have that dream?

Currently working on tapering down on one of my medications. My new doctor was surprised at the dosage I was on and said that this medication is one that you don't want to stop suddenly and that this high of dose could be causing more anxiety. So for the next three months I will be cutting down by 0.5mg. We shall see what happens. He already lessened another medication I was on, because again, I was on too high of a dose. Seriously, what was the previous doctor doing to me!?

I realized that I have been medicated for more than half my life. Crazy to think about that. I am very interested in see how I would be without any medication. A lot has happened with my body and brain since I started any medication, heck, I went through puberty! But I am also very nervous about trying to go without (with the help of my Doctor, of course) my meds. I have no issue or negative thoughts about being on medication for the rest of my life, but I feel they may have been become almost a security blanket, and that makes me nervous.

I keep having thoughts of adding makeup info and photos and whatnot to my blog because it is what I am interested in now. But I feel again, that I am second rate compare to all those that I follow across social media. Aren't we our own worst enemies? Pfft. Would that be anything anyone would be interested in? If there is anyone still out there still looking at this blog. I have no idea.

So yeah, that's my ramble. No real rhyme or reason to the order of my thoughts, just wanted to get  some thoughts out there, or were those too many thoughts? Ramble ramble ramble. 

Please let me know if there is any interest for me continuing with any aspect of the blog. Yeah, yeah, I should be blogging for myself and what I want to blog about. But let's be truthful here, we all really want to know that people really do care about the fact that we put forth the effort to blog. Yes, it's an outlet but I also want it to be an outlet that I knew was being listened to and visited.

Welp, there's that. 

And here's my eye look from Saturday (and I'm wearing contacts, eeks!). I got so many compliments from my coworkers, it was really nice. There are three different Lit Glitter colors on my lids. :) 

Irresistible Me Royal Remy Hair Extension Review

Hello Owlets, it's almost been two full months since I last posted (I will explain all of that in another post) and today I have for you a different kind of review. Sorry about the photo quality. I believe my camera is dying a slow and horrible death. Maybe I should ask Santa for a new one!

I was contacted by Irresistible Me to review a product of theirs, hair extensions. My curiosity was peaked, hair extensions + pixie cut? Is that possible? I goggled and searched and you tubed and was only able to find a few with my length of hair. Hmmmm, I thought, interesting, I wonder.....let's play!

So the extensions come in the box shown in previous photo. They then come in these cool looking zippered pouch. Why the two compartments? Well, the smaller one holds one clip in extensions that you can take out and test the color before opening up the entire package. How cool is that? If you chose the wrong color you would simply return it and that larger bundle could be used again! How thoughtful and very economic.

Here is the clip in that you use to check to make sure you chose correctly. And I did! As you can see it also comes with extra clips that you can replace lost ones if needed, like the little bag of buttons that come with fancy shirts.

I chose Royal Remy Hair in Medium Brown (#4), 14 inches, and the 200g set as it gives more pieces.

Next I am showing you the four different clip in pieces that you receive.

This is the largest and obviously the fullest and heaviest piece. This four clip in gives a lot of volume.

These are the three clips. I liked to use these first to give my hair a more natural look.

Five two clip clip ins. These are great fillers to help blend the hair all together.

And finally, two one clips. These are great to use to fill in as well, I only wish there were more of these.

A closeup of the clips. They are those bendy kinds, so they are easy to put in. This closeup also shows some of the different colors in the hair which gives it a much more natural look.

So here is me rocking my own hair (and an awesome shirt!). My hair here is longer than I normally have it, I'm due for a hair cut. But I figured this length would blend better than even shorter hair. (ugh! I hate taking pictures of myself!)

Ok, now I am in no way an expert on hair extensions, I know these don't look all perfect; but I think I did a fantabulous job putting these in.

It was so fun to wear them around. I haven't had long hair in over 20 years, and then it wasn't even this long. I felt like a mermaid! :)

As you can see, the color is perfect! As is the thickness/volume of the hair, meaning I don't have a poof of hair around my shoulders. They weren't heavy and there was no pulling (except for me pulling hair off my lips when it would get stuck in lip gloss. New experience for me).

I am definitely wearing these more often. I think I'm going to take them to my hairdresser to get them trimmed/styled a bit so they frame my face more. Still deciding. But you can color and curl these, possibilities are endless!

I had no issues with the extensions (well, one of the clips came loose but one little stitch and it's fixed, no problem) and would absolutely recommend anyone and everyone who's ever been interested in trying hair extensions to go through Irresistible Me. They also have other products on their site: styling tools, hair care products, and accessories. A little bit of something for everyone.

Thank you Irresistible Me for letting check something off my bucket list of having tried hair extensions!

That Time Where I Write About Whatever That's On My Mind -- Yep, That Happened.

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 Hey all! So I know that I have been MIA for a while. I post some here, I post some there, but I haven't been consistent. I miss being on my blog, responding to comments, interacting with all you wonderful people who brighten my day! I've just been so busy, which is a good thing I guess, right?

I don't know how those of you with full time jobs and a family find the time to do such beautiful manis, let alone just paint them! I applaud you all!

I think one of my issues is the process in which I do my manis..........I don't plan ahead with enough detail. I might just think flowers, but not what I want them to look like or colors. On the other hand (hahahaha!), if I don't fully plan it out, I can't be too disappointed when it doesn't come out all fabulous like I see in my blog feed. 

So yes, I've been absent because I lack time (where's my TARDIS? Think of all the manis I could do!) but also, I believe I am lacking confidence. I've noticed this at work too. 

I feel that I am way under skilled at many things. For my manis, I'm not a fabulous artist, I'm not even the best swatcher either! I happy when I don't get any paint on my skin! Win! My photos are super crisp and clean and bright like I want them. But then I think, so what. It's my blog and who gives a hoot (owl, get it?), I decide! But I really do give a hoot about how others perceive me and my blog and my nail art. I've always been one who has needed that assurance. >_< Bleh!

At work I feel that I am not qualified to be in my position. I am the Prestige Manager. Sure I know my products, I know a lot about what certain ingredients do for you (thank you beauty blogs!) but I don't look the part and don't have any real training in applying makeup. And don't get me started on using a specific brush for a specific product! Ok, yes, I know the basic brushes but that's it! I just wing it. 

They hired a new girl at work. She is perfect looking, beautiful hair, beautiful skin, oh and she is going to school to be an esthetician. Fab. Here I am, my makeup isn't flawless (I don't like it to be caked on), my blemishes (though covered) show in all their glory screaming to the world: look at me, I'm 33 and have worse acne than I did as a teenager! Ugh! I always feel less than qualified when she comes over and hovers when I am color matching (the way I was trained by Bare Minerals). She throws off my groove because she looks the part and is perfect (I know, I know, no one is perfect). But everybody at my job looks the part, I feel like the ugly duckling in the group, don't quite fit in (skill-wise).

I know I should just suck it up. Yes she can do all those things but she doesn't know all the product yet and she doesn't have the manager knowledge I have and she doesn't have my quirky-ness. But it still hurts, you know? 

And that's how I feel about my manis too. I see these great works of art, frame-able even! And I look at mine and think: nice try kiddo. I don't know why I am writing this. Ok, one is because I haven't really written to you all for some time so I thought you should get something and find out what I've been up to: work. But I really didn't intend for all of this to come out. I guess I needed a good vent where I know not many will see! Hahahaha! Yep, so I put it up on the internet. ;)

So um yeah, that's that. I do have some great things coming up though to share with you! I have an awesome review of some awesome Indie polishes! The Digit-al Dozen is coming up soon (need to get working on those! Only have one done so far! Yikes!) and I have The Nail Challenge Collaborative (double yikes! Need to work on those) (see, there goes my "planning").

Oh and I've joined the Blogger2Blogger Book Club!

 

I hope to have more up but I'm still trying to find my groove.

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Some Good News!

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I got a job! At Ulta! And I start today! I'm so nervous and excited! I'm happy though, like the dancing elephant above!

This job will both good and bad for my blog. Good: discount = more polish! (Maybe not so much of a paycheck because I might buy up the store!) Bad: less time spent on blog, for now. Since it is only part-time I am not sure yet as to how much free time I'll have to devote to the blog. But I am still going to try! Because, like I said, it's only part-time! And I got to show off my stuff that I buy, right?

I'm just really nervous as this is the first time that I have worked since leaving my job last summer due to my anxiety. So of course this change is making me anxious, but that is why I chose only a part-time position to ease myself back into the workforce!

So please be patient. I do have a haul post in the works as well as a Birchbox review and a butterfly mani! And I'll have my Barielle reviews when they send me new pretties!

So I do have things in the works! A bonus to this job is that I get to wear polish and be crazy about it! How many people can say that! Woot woot!

For every season.........

Today there aren't any pictures of nails, nor this entire week. This past week has been so mind-numbing exhausting that I couldn't prep any.

Let me explain:

I have had a huge change in my life. 

I had to quit my job that I have been working at for the past four and a half years. I did not come by this decision lightly. Over the past few months my anxiety has increased ten-fold. This past week I was home bound for three whole days.

Three days in where my body was wracked with anxiety. My anxiety isn't so much doom and gloom but an an overwhelming intense emotion and physical feeling. Everything seems to shut down. My mind goes blank or TV static and my body just feels all tingly and shaky on the inside; like my insides are boiling but without heat. My heart feels like it is racing far too fast. I can't cope with anything no matter how small. Everything feels like an attack on my system.

My system is so overwhelmed that I cry. A lot. And it is the ugly cry that happens. 

And there is no relief from this either. Everything just continues to build on itself.

Three whole days in which my anxiety sent my depression spiraling downwards at a frightening speed.

I don't know what triggers these attacks. Sometimes it is loud noises or the anticipation of a noise, sometimes there is no trigger that I can find. 

I felt like I was failing at my job. Everyone there was great and understanding, I just felt I let them down all the time. 

Finally, this past week I couldn't take it anymore. I had reached my ability to somewhat cope with this and still function.

I was asked where do you see yourself in ten years. My immediate thought was: hopefully alive. The anxiety feeling was so overwhelming that I knew if something didn't change......something bad could happen. 

And this scared me. I knew then that I had to change something.

So I left my job, left my great co-workers, and decided to get to the bottom of this. 

To fix this. To find myself again because who I am right now, isn't me.

So please, be patient with me as I figure this out. 

I hope this means that I will find that spark again for this blog and be able to spend more time with it again!

I read this amazing blog called Epbot written by the also amazing Jen. She is someone, though I have never met in person, I feel a connection too. She has written about her anxiety and dealings with it. She created this image that I love, because it's true. At least right now I am trying to tell myself that.

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