A Sunday Ramble

The past four years have had the fabulous moments (helping in starting The Digit-al Dozen, meeting a bunch of fabulous bloggers, finding an "in") and some not so great moments (computers crash, hang nails, depression, anxiety, no longer part of The Digit-al Dozen). I chose to step down from the Digit-al Dozen as I haven't been very active on my blog. It was really heart-wrenching and the DD ladies have become some of my closest friends (only having met one in real life). But life and my depression/anxiety got in the way. 

So why no nails?

I would get physically ill when I sat down to do my nails. The anxiety was so bad that I just couldn't do it. If I did manage then I wasn't satisfied because my manis didn't look like the other DD ladies. My manis never really blossomed or got better over time. I just wasn't that good and having that pressure would stir up the anxiety even more. I always want my nails to look like so-and-so and have the painting and artistic ability as what's-her-name. I'm not satisfied with my own talents and abilities (and not only with nail art) and so therefore feel the need to step back (but say that to my stamping plate group buys. What is wrong with me!? Hahahahaha!). 

For some reason, this past year has been really rough on me. I am not at all where I ever thought I would be in my life. Ever. I thought I would be married with kids by now (I'm turning 35 in less than a month). I am almost sure that I will never marry; I don't allow myself to be in situations that create an opportunity. And it I did find someone? I don't think I could put them through what I have to go through. I would be too draining, too much for them. How could I bring anyone into what I go through? How does anyone that have mental health issues bring up the issue while dating. I would see it as almost a red flag for most people. 

Oh, but to have that someone who would be there and just tell you that you are not alone. That you can make it through it again. To be aware that you actually exist and that they actually care for you. That they are aware of you and that there really is something wrong when you say that you're "fine". That is my dream. Anyone else have that dream?

Currently working on tapering down on one of my medications. My new doctor was surprised at the dosage I was on and said that this medication is one that you don't want to stop suddenly and that this high of dose could be causing more anxiety. So for the next three months I will be cutting down by 0.5mg. We shall see what happens. He already lessened another medication I was on, because again, I was on too high of a dose. Seriously, what was the previous doctor doing to me!?

I realized that I have been medicated for more than half my life. Crazy to think about that. I am very interested in see how I would be without any medication. A lot has happened with my body and brain since I started any medication, heck, I went through puberty! But I am also very nervous about trying to go without (with the help of my Doctor, of course) my meds. I have no issue or negative thoughts about being on medication for the rest of my life, but I feel they may have been become almost a security blanket, and that makes me nervous.

I keep having thoughts of adding makeup info and photos and whatnot to my blog because it is what I am interested in now. But I feel again, that I am second rate compare to all those that I follow across social media. Aren't we our own worst enemies? Pfft. Would that be anything anyone would be interested in? If there is anyone still out there still looking at this blog. I have no idea.

So yeah, that's my ramble. No real rhyme or reason to the order of my thoughts, just wanted to get  some thoughts out there, or were those too many thoughts? Ramble ramble ramble. 

Please let me know if there is any interest for me continuing with any aspect of the blog. Yeah, yeah, I should be blogging for myself and what I want to blog about. But let's be truthful here, we all really want to know that people really do care about the fact that we put forth the effort to blog. Yes, it's an outlet but I also want it to be an outlet that I knew was being listened to and visited.

Welp, there's that. 

And here's my eye look from Saturday (and I'm wearing contacts, eeks!). I got so many compliments from my coworkers, it was really nice. There are three different Lit Glitter colors on my lids. :) 

40 Great Nail Art Ideas: Teal (+ Skittle)

It's another Friday and that means another challenge from Crumpet's Nail Tarts 40 Great Nail Art Ideas. But this week starts something different with the challenge. Last week we did a theme. This week it's a color prompt (Teal) and a pattern prompt (with each of us doing a different pattern prompt!). So many ideas to be inspired by!

Ok, so funny story. Well, sort of. This past week has been kind of crazy, just a lot of drama and a lot of stress and anxiety (wait? like that's something new? hahahahaha!). So I didn't get to create my mani until today. I had the idea but not the time. 

So this morning I woke up and got ready. I had to take a conference call for work and when that was done I knew I had three hours before work and could get my mani done. So I started and was doing everything, painting and stamping away.

I happened to look up at the time trying to calculate when I needed to start my lunch so I could eat before I went to work. By now I am finishing up my last few stamps when it dawned on me.

I work an hour earlier today than my normal time! Yikes! I had 20 minutes to finish getting dressed (I had on comfy pants and not my work pants), eat, and get to work which is ten minutes away!

I slapped the last two stamps on, grabbed my camera took some photos (because I knew my mani wasn't going to last through work with it being a truck day and all). Got dressed and flew out the door. I made it just in time!

So the quality of my photos (or lack thereof) is due to being rushed. But, it still kind of fits my mani.

Didn't have time to set up my light box! My mani represents Anxiety Awareness. A teal ribbon represents (among many of things) Anxiety Awareness. As most of you know, I suffer from both anxiety and depression. I know that it will always be a part of me and I am ok with that because having anxiety and depression have made me who I am today. I am stronger than I would have been. 

Even today with all of our technological marvels there are some who still believe that mental illness isn't real. Because we can't see it or touch it directly it can't exist. But we can't see the wind or touch it directly, and it exists.

Mental illness can be seen in the faces of many on this planet; it touches nearly 1 in 4 Americans annually. How can people not believe that it exists?! It is an illness, not a weakness. You can't just buck up and all is good. Would you say that to someone with a broken arm or cancer or diabetes? No, you wouldn't. So why then mental illness?

We need to end the stigma. We need to catch up to all the amazing technology we have because if we as a society think that mental illness isn't real, then why should advance with anything else? Why then are not still just treating our humours and blood letting and using leeches?

End the stigma. #IAmStigmaFree

I used BarryM Cancun as my base. On my index finger I chose the butterfly as a representation of becoming more beautiful through our challenges. I used BarryM Cotton and A England Saint George with UberChic 3-01. My middle finger is also from (as are all the rest of the stamped images) from UrberChic 3-01. The words, stamped with A England Saint George talk about fighting the good fight, never face your fears alone. My ring finger is also stamped with Saint George and simply says: Faith, Hope Love. Because it helps to have all three of those when you are struggling. My little finger has a stamped image of Konad White and UberChic 3-01. I used this image to represent confusion and stress. The teal ribbon (Saint George) is stamped over it to create awareness.

The rushed feeling of these photos helps to portray a bit of anxiety.

Here is last week's collage of the theme: Hobbies

Amazing huh!

If you want to follow us, you can find our Pinterest Board here - all the members will also be sharing the collages on IG and Facebook with the above hashtags. I hope you enjoy and find it as useful as we're finding it fun!

And don't forget to check out the other Teal prompts!

An InLinkz Link-up

Soup for the Soul....It Really Does Get Better, I Promise

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Wow, 2015 sure is rearing it's ugly head at me already. Nine days in and boom! It strikes, the anxiety. Man, I had been doing good all year! (hee-hee, see what I did there?) Though the poem above deals more with depression then anxiety I thought it very fitting for my mood today. But read on to find out what I read to be my Soup for the Soul!

Anxiety really does suck, it sucks the life right out of you. For that moment during the panic, you are not yourself, you are your feelings and your emotions and you have no control. The edge starts to slowly fade and you are able to beathe in slowly and try to calm down with any techniques you can possibly think of to try.

Today, while trying to figure out what I wanted to write for my Soup for the Soul, I was painting my nails, letting them dry, and catching up on my blog feed. And then it hit me without warning. In that moment all I could do is to think of something calming and I quickly typed in anxiety into Pinterest (got to love Pinterest!) and found this quote. I really love it, it did bring peace to my soul and warmed me through, just like a good soup. I am going to print if off and hang it up in my room.

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Don't forget to check out the other links!

The Digit-al Dozen Does Thankfulness: My Health

It's another month and another Digit-al Dozen theme with this month about being thankful. This theme turned out to be tricky. Some things that you are thankful are hard to incorporate into nail art, so you try to be specific, but then it gets to be little things. Well this week I did some grand non-tangible things and a few fun things that I am thankful for.

Today though, I am thankful for my health. All of it. As much I suffer with depression and anxiety I am still thankful for it. Because without going through what I have gone through I wouldn't be the person I am today (and no, I'm not talking about the panic-ridden person in bed, though that too! Hahaha!). I know that my depression has made me an old soul. I've always been mature for my age but dealing with depression since junior high has caused me to grow up a bit faster in a way. Almost 20 years dealing with a disease that is now only really getting any time in the spotlight and being allowed to not carry so much stigma.

There will always be people who say: "you can change things if you wanted to" (really!? really?), "if you just went to church more and prayed more" (right, because this is a punishment?), and "snap out of it" (if only!). But I would honestly happily keep depression and anxiety over what some others have. We always think we have it the worst, but if everyone's problems where put in a pile and we got to see all of them, pretty sure we'd want our own back. It has made me who I am. I know myself more deeply than some others know their selves. Do I ever wish I didn't have it? Sure, but if this is my struggle, then I'm perfectly fine with it.

I have met (also read that as "met") some amazing people who share my plight. Some I can visit with daily in person, buoying one another up. Others through Facebook groups and blogs where we reach across continents and oceans and soothe each other by listening and understanding. 

So yes, I am thankful for my health because it has made me a stronger person. I've been so far down and have come back that I know things can only get better. I thankful also for those who have offered me their hand as I have walked through the darkness, offering aid and support. With you there by my side (both physically and through words) I would not be here today. Thank you.

To show my thankfulness I chose to do the awareness ribbon. I used Barielle Autumn in Seoul as my base. I stamped using A England Dragon (I slay my own personal dragons each day!) and Bundle Monster BM321. I added Essie Matte About You to get it that hazy look of the fog that we wander through daily.

Here it is before the matte top coat. So shinny and happy. Which, under that fog of depression and anxiety there is happiness, even if for a moment.

        

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Don't forget to check out the other ladies and their thankful manis!

An InLinkz Link-up

#PlayInMay: Raw

I'm not doing the correct prompt for today. The prompt for #PlayInMay on the 15th was Raw. I missed it, but I really wanted to still use the prompt as I have a few things I wanted to post.

Back when I was really struggling with my depression and anxiety earlier this year, I was prompted to write it out. And I did. Three poems that I am in awe that I wrote. To me it totally describes what I was feeling and going through. I wanted to share them with you because some may not really know what it's like to suffer and because I want to show others they are not alone.

The Darkness

by Kirsten Bly

The darkness, it's always there.

Weighing down on me, thick and full.

I try to trudge my way through,

Impossible...too hard...too tierd.

The darkness, why can't you just leave.

Others say to shrug it off, smile.

I pop another pill to make it through two more hours.

It never lifts or shifts, it's always there.

The darkness knows of light,

But nothing can penetrate it.

Sometimes I see the light but it falls through my open hands.

The darkness wins.

The darkness, it triumphs again.

Each day bringing me closer

To a point where I may not return.

But I can't let it win, I want to feel the light.

Anxiety

by Kirsten Bly

It starts as a cringe deep in my chest.

The feeling grows, spreads though out

my body, becoming overpowering.

My insides are shaking and warming up.

My mind, my hope crashes.

Anxiety.

By now I'm twitching a toe, shaking

my leg to get it out, to free it.

But it is stuck. Unmoveable. Defiant.

The pills, dull the senses for an hour.

But I take them because they are better than

Anxiety.

I hide away, withdraw. I hate it.

I am so focused inward that the

darkness creeps in slowly, taking over.

I try to distract myself, hopeless.

Distraction brings on the tears.

Anxiety.

Tears well up and roll down

making lines on my face,

telling a story of a girl.

A girl who is stuck, drowing

in her ownself, unable to see an end.

Anxiety.

Strength

by Kirsten Bly

Sometimes I feel burdened, heavy, crushing.

These trials are not for me,

too hard, I'm not strong enough.

There are ways out.

But those ways are not for me.

I wish I could go back in time

warn my younger self to prepare.

But how to prepare?

Too hard, I'm not strong enough.

My body is slowly growing sick of the disease.

It wants activity, but I can't.

Too hard, I'm not strong enough.

The thought of change brings on anxiety.

I don't know how to deal, how to cope.

Talking doesn't always help.

Too hard, I'm not strong enough.

But the funny thing is,

I'm too scared to not have this.

It has become like my security blanket.

Too hard, I'll never be strong enough.

Thankfully I have found the right combination of medication that has me out of my room and working! I read these poems and am saddened. I remember those times. I'm scared it will happen again. But now I know I can get through it. Thank you for getting all the way to the bottom of this post. I hope it has helped someone as much as it helped me to write them.

Absence

Hello Owlets,

I would like to explain my absence. Recently my depression and anxiety has gotten worse, I know I posted about this back in August. But I have since gone and seen someone and have transitioned to new meds and now have since upped them. I am still waiting to up them one more time next month. Each transition seems to aggravate the anxiety until my body gets use to that dose.

The pills are helping me a lot but I still have a lot of anxiety. I am coming to believe that my anxiety is chemically induced. There seems to be no reason for my attacks. I can be fine and then not fine for no reason.

But, I do find that if I do small detail things right now that require my total intense concentration, my anxiety flares up. That is why I haven't done and posts on here. I am sad to be missing the Digit-al Dozen Does Black & White Week (I hope you have been following them! Amazing stuff going on!).

I hope to back on my feet soon. So please, just bear with me and don't forget about me! :)

Here are a few posts that I have stumbled on recently that I love:

Loving Someone With Depression (Huffington Post)

Hyperbole and a Half: Depression Part Two

For every season.........

Today there aren't any pictures of nails, nor this entire week. This past week has been so mind-numbing exhausting that I couldn't prep any.

Let me explain:

I have had a huge change in my life. 

I had to quit my job that I have been working at for the past four and a half years. I did not come by this decision lightly. Over the past few months my anxiety has increased ten-fold. This past week I was home bound for three whole days.

Three days in where my body was wracked with anxiety. My anxiety isn't so much doom and gloom but an an overwhelming intense emotion and physical feeling. Everything seems to shut down. My mind goes blank or TV static and my body just feels all tingly and shaky on the inside; like my insides are boiling but without heat. My heart feels like it is racing far too fast. I can't cope with anything no matter how small. Everything feels like an attack on my system.

My system is so overwhelmed that I cry. A lot. And it is the ugly cry that happens. 

And there is no relief from this either. Everything just continues to build on itself.

Three whole days in which my anxiety sent my depression spiraling downwards at a frightening speed.

I don't know what triggers these attacks. Sometimes it is loud noises or the anticipation of a noise, sometimes there is no trigger that I can find. 

I felt like I was failing at my job. Everyone there was great and understanding, I just felt I let them down all the time. 

Finally, this past week I couldn't take it anymore. I had reached my ability to somewhat cope with this and still function.

I was asked where do you see yourself in ten years. My immediate thought was: hopefully alive. The anxiety feeling was so overwhelming that I knew if something didn't change......something bad could happen. 

And this scared me. I knew then that I had to change something.

So I left my job, left my great co-workers, and decided to get to the bottom of this. 

To fix this. To find myself again because who I am right now, isn't me.

So please, be patient with me as I figure this out. 

I hope this means that I will find that spark again for this blog and be able to spend more time with it again!

I read this amazing blog called Epbot written by the also amazing Jen. She is someone, though I have never met in person, I feel a connection too. She has written about her anxiety and dealings with it. She created this image that I love, because it's true. At least right now I am trying to tell myself that.

Photo Source