Monday, August 19, 2013

For every season.........

Today there aren't any pictures of nails, nor this entire week. This past week has been so mind-numbing exhausting that I couldn't prep any.

Let me explain:

I have had a huge change in my life. 

I had to quit my job that I have been working at for the past four and a half years. I did not come by this decision lightly. Over the past few months my anxiety has increased ten-fold. This past week I was home bound for three whole days.

Three days in where my body was wracked with anxiety. My anxiety isn't so much doom and gloom but an an overwhelming intense emotion and physical feeling. Everything seems to shut down. My mind goes blank or TV static and my body just feels all tingly and shaky on the inside; like my insides are boiling but without heat. My heart feels like it is racing far too fast. I can't cope with anything no matter how small. Everything feels like an attack on my system.

My system is so overwhelmed that I cry. A lot. And it is the ugly cry that happens. 

And there is no relief from this either. Everything just continues to build on itself.

Three whole days in which my anxiety sent my depression spiraling downwards at a frightening speed.

I don't know what triggers these attacks. Sometimes it is loud noises or the anticipation of a noise, sometimes there is no trigger that I can find. 

I felt like I was failing at my job. Everyone there was great and understanding, I just felt I let them down all the time. 

Finally, this past week I couldn't take it anymore. I had reached my ability to somewhat cope with this and still function.

I was asked where do you see yourself in ten years. My immediate thought was: hopefully alive. The anxiety feeling was so overwhelming that I knew if something didn't change......something bad could happen. 

And this scared me. I knew then that I had to change something.

So I left my job, left my great co-workers, and decided to get to the bottom of this. 

To fix this. To find myself again because who I am right now, isn't me.

So please, be patient with me as I figure this out. 

I hope this means that I will find that spark again for this blog and be able to spend more time with it again!

I read this amazing blog called Epbot written by the also amazing Jen. She is someone, though I have never met in person, I feel a connection too. She has written about her anxiety and dealings with it. She created this image that I love, because it's true. At least right now I am trying to tell myself that.

8 comments:

  1. I am just so heart broken for you doll - this is so terrible to have to deal with and I just know that time and quiet will help you find the answers your heart needs. *Hugs and blessings*

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  2. Oh honey. That's such a horrible feeling and such a difficult way to live. If you ever need to talk, or rant, or ramble - anything at all - you know where I am. x

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    1. Thank you. And yep, I know where to find you! :)

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  3. I hope you can find a way to cope and figure out what you need to do. My dad has severe depression, and I know what a struggle day to day can be for him.

    Take all the time you need. We'll be here when you come back.

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  4. I just came across your blog and I love it. This post has inspired me because the exact same thing has happened to me twice. I need to come out and talk about it! This was really brave of you and it made me all misty thinking of someone else going through the same thing. I took a break from blogging because of it. You have inspired me to post again, to talk about what is going on inside my head and of course to show pretty pictures of polish. Please take care of yourself and I hope that you continue to heal. The world needs more open, honest and talented people like you!

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    1. Thank you so much. I hope you are doing better and are healing too! It's surprising how supportive the polish community is!

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