Sunday, February 21, 2016

A Sunday Ramble

The past four years have had the fabulous moments (helping in starting The Digit-al Dozen, meeting a bunch of fabulous bloggers, finding an "in") and some not so great moments (computers crash, hang nails, depression, anxiety, no longer part of The Digit-al Dozen). I chose to step down from the Digit-al Dozen as I haven't been very active on my blog. It was really heart-wrenching and the DD ladies have become some of my closest friends (only having met one in real life). But life and my depression/anxiety got in the way. 

So why no nails?

I would get physically ill when I sat down to do my nails. The anxiety was so bad that I just couldn't do it. If I did manage then I wasn't satisfied because my manis didn't look like the other DD ladies. My manis never really blossomed or got better over time. I just wasn't that good and having that pressure would stir up the anxiety even more. I always want my nails to look like so-and-so and have the painting and artistic ability as what's-her-name. I'm not satisfied with my own talents and abilities (and not only with nail art) and so therefore feel the need to step back (but say that to my stamping plate group buys. What is wrong with me!? Hahahahaha!). 

For some reason, this past year has been really rough on me. I am not at all where I ever thought I would be in my life. Ever. I thought I would be married with kids by now (I'm turning 35 in less than a month). I am almost sure that I will never marry; I don't allow myself to be in situations that create an opportunity. And it I did find someone? I don't think I could put them through what I have to go through. I would be too draining, too much for them. How could I bring anyone into what I go through? How does anyone that have mental health issues bring up the issue while dating. I would see it as almost a red flag for most people. 

Oh, but to have that someone who would be there and just tell you that you are not alone. That you can make it through it again. To be aware that you actually exist and that they actually care for you. That they are aware of you and that there really is something wrong when you say that you're "fine". That is my dream. Anyone else have that dream?

Currently working on tapering down on one of my medications. My new doctor was surprised at the dosage I was on and said that this medication is one that you don't want to stop suddenly and that this high of dose could be causing more anxiety. So for the next three months I will be cutting down by 0.5mg. We shall see what happens. He already lessened another medication I was on, because again, I was on too high of a dose. Seriously, what was the previous doctor doing to me!?

I realized that I have been medicated for more than half my life. Crazy to think about that. I am very interested in see how I would be without any medication. A lot has happened with my body and brain since I started any medication, heck, I went through puberty! But I am also very nervous about trying to go without (with the help of my Doctor, of course) my meds. I have no issue or negative thoughts about being on medication for the rest of my life, but I feel they may have been become almost a security blanket, and that makes me nervous.

I keep having thoughts of adding makeup info and photos and whatnot to my blog because it is what I am interested in now. But I feel again, that I am second rate compare to all those that I follow across social media. Aren't we our own worst enemies? Pfft. Would that be anything anyone would be interested in? If there is anyone still out there still looking at this blog. I have no idea.

So yeah, that's my ramble. No real rhyme or reason to the order of my thoughts, just wanted to get  some thoughts out there, or were those too many thoughts? Ramble ramble ramble. 

Please let me know if there is any interest for me continuing with any aspect of the blog. Yeah, yeah, I should be blogging for myself and what I want to blog about. But let's be truthful here, we all really want to know that people really do care about the fact that we put forth the effort to blog. Yes, it's an outlet but I also want it to be an outlet that I knew was being listened to and visited.

Welp, there's that. 

And here's my eye look from Saturday (and I'm wearing contacts, eeks!). I got so many compliments from my coworkers, it was really nice. There are three different Lit Glitter colors on my lids. :)